One Covid-19 Patient, DW

I have decided I will only remember one name of all the patients that were under my care as a nurse on the COVID-19 unit from October 2020 through February 2021. I will write this down, now, with hope that I may lay this memory to rest from my voice. Miraculously, I was spared from doing CPR (only one patient during this time) and from having any of my patients die during my work rotation, that was not the norm for my peers. 

DW arrived overnight before one of my shifts. His biggest complaint was chronic back pain that was exacerbated by not being able to get up out of the bed and move about due to severe shortness of breath and significant decrease in oxygen saturation. At some point in the afternoon he called out for pain medication and I donned my gown, gloves, N95 respirator, and face shield and brought it into the room to give him. He looked at me and said, "Go and give me whatever it is you need to put me down. I can't do this anymore. Just put me down." I replied, "D, we don't kill people here." He genuinely chuckled a little and said, "I know." I smiled under my mask, then my eyes got wet as his lips closed and he looked in my eyes and held out his hand. It was at this moment that I felt completely defeated, guilty of being dishonest for having false hope that he would go back home to his family, doing a disservice to this patient who earlier had asked me when we let people give up and I told him we try not to have people give-up. 

I pulled up the stool and sat next to him holding his hand in my gloved hand as we both stared into somewhere else. He agreed to hang on as long as he could, and I agreed to hold hope for him each day he was here. As a nurse I try to fix things, heal people, solve problems, and these patients really impressed upon this girl that she was not charge of anything; this girl runs no boat show; something more powerful and mostly misunderstood does. I remind myself daily, that acceptance is not a bad thing, it just is the easier way. 

With the blessing of his family, we helped DW leave this time and space with comfort after nearly 20 days of "not giving up."

Sticky Bones

I woke up; you are in my bones

I’m thirsty with sand in my eyes

I feel you wrapped around my bones

Like cellophane under the muscles 

Woven tight while I was sleeping

The night before you lured me

Then promptly turned me off

My stomach rolled over itself 

Still I fell asleep easy; I’m taking a break

There is so much work to do

Rain on the window is mellow

I’ll make coffee and phone calls

To wash away your stickiness

It’s a secret; should it be

That word I thoroughly hate

I’m strong enough to forget

I knew what I was facing 

Hiked my skirts stepping into the boat 

Pandemic and my mind loses itself 

Angry, lonely, confused, and wiser

Defects rising from the bed

Not discarded, accessible and visible 

You’re a sphincter around my neck

Keep your Devil in your pocket

Run him over your brain’s train track

I’m lying all the time

I’m fine; I’m not angry, not hurt

Not crying over nothing real

Look away, walk away, mind my own business

Not feel you in my bones; I’m human, woman