I can’t go home tonight
Unless to ascend the attic stair to die
Would it have been better to settle
Than keep climbing to exhaustion
Breathing slowly eyes shut softly
Tapping lightly on the table
There’s a small whisker on my chin
Grounding my mind to this earth and sky
The drive to the coast is long
The sea is rough and cold
No one is widely aware
Managing a private tour their own
The sound of the train reminds me
That you are gone for always
Like the evergreen that never dies
Proves that you were here
I asked you for all of this so one day
I’d have the most splendid seductive memory
To shine my way through the fog
That obscures cold days like an eye’s cataract
If I’m unlucky enough to avoid a pure
Quick shock of death remaining instead
Confined and wet in a lonely bed
We were sitting outside on rocks near a pond
I had on only flesh colored panties; he wore nothing
Through the clear blue water we saw fish and life
Moss and algae on the rocks
A group of men, women and children swam
I was afraid the water was so shallow
They rode cedar boats with circle carvings
Like little yellow coffins
He stepped into the water joining them
Hoisting a young girl over the rock ledge
I remained reluctant to enter
I stood there undecided and he was naked and free
Stolen jailed with my hands cut off
From desires and irritations
Never paroled to previous discontent
Sense of taste and smell warped into disgust
A breath or kiss or salmon or steak repulse
So I resort to stealing
Locked away until my end
Punishing my future self
Believing in stoicism while cutting my wrists
Breath on my lips
Sight of presence gracing mind’s eye
Quivering with the scent of fear
Soon covered with thick honey calm
Instructed the fear is illusion
Reassured by eyes and mouth speaking
Today this is still here
Forever is a false promise
Loathing the emptiness a picture of dread
Always much harsher than the reality
The wood on the ceiling reminds me
Of my grandparents’ house
Tall pine trees with snow outside every window
I wanted to remain precious but instead
Made myself into expendable decadence
Cynicism hangs like dusty cobwebs
Triggering asthma of the heart
Vacating the property to commit to the fantasy
Disassociating to my other self I am not alarmed
Anxious enough to keep it together crying in my car
I’m falling apart
You tell me not to fall apart
Grab me round and throw me
Smack hard on the table cloth
Just don’t fall apart
Knead me now and roll me
Until your hot hands
Melt me back together again
Why are you falling apart?
The weather, the ground, my chemistry
Is off; I don’t know
Fix me easy right now
I beg you to do what my words
Can’t find right now
To describe all the reasonings
I need a tight squeeze
Of a roll in the soft light
On the table right here
It’s a day to try cleaning and so many boxes
Are finally burning in the fire pit
I wanted to feel joyous and delivered
So many aluminum seltzer cans have littered
The concrete floor crushed and some not
Making me madder and madder
Each can I stomp and throw into a bigger bag
To pack to the metal recycling plant
This is not my shit!
This broken wasted debris was mine
Only by name on a joint tax return
But again I’m bent over on my knees
I can’t stop crying I’m so mad I’ve given up
I surrender and can’t try to pretend
That I’m being selfish ungrateful and petty
There are obligations I have to keep me
From getting in the Veracruz and driving East
Or North or maybe South until
The road completely runs out
Where I get out and walk throat deep into
Whatever coast will swallow me whole
