Morning Moon

I heard the clear lines of the moon

Against the empty sky

This morning driving to work

My hope was as bright as her face

At the end of the day I lost everything

Unable to find my way out of the circles

Where does freedom lurk within dog hair

Missed under the table legs 

Dusty books are always good to keep

Forever like coffins for a thousand mites

What have I lost I can’t find 

From what I’ve thrown away 

I will reach deep into my throat 

To pluck out those words I 

Could clearly read driving

Alongside this morning’s full moon

Defeated instead by the hour

Another day slipped away 

Relief and angst scratching each other

As I go to brush my teeth

Defeated again quietly

Selfish

Driving to meet you, dad,

The air too thick in the car

Between he and I

For finding words to say out loud

Like always I looked to the window 

To captivate my mind and breathe 

Sky white as paper 

Accentuated bones of the faraway trees 

Cliques of dwarf evergreens stood

Within rose gold grass and rocks 

Filling the silent void of worn music

With their laughter I’d imagine

Give me ten reasons to stay

But really give me one good one

I’m tired and hungry but no morsel 

Quenches my longing

The homemade chips were good 

Not like the excitement of my foot 

Hitting the city pavement

There’s nothing to go back to 

And this place would grow old 

I don’t want to just know everyone new

He walked away in his coat and hat

Not even turning around to laugh

No smile no wave goodbye 

Gutted with sick sadness and excitement

Knowing and not knowing at all

I drove with my dad to the bus stop

Minnesota

I can’t go home tonight

Unless to ascend the attic stair to die

Would it have been better to settle

Than keep climbing to exhaustion

Breathing slowly eyes shut softly

Tapping lightly on the table 

There’s a small whisker on my chin

Grounding my mind to this earth and sky

The drive to the coast is long

The sea is rough and cold

No one is widely aware

Managing a private tour their own

Train Whistle

The sound of the train reminds me 

That you are gone for always 

Like the evergreen that never dies

Proves that you were here

I asked you for all of this so one day

I’d have the most splendid seductive memory

To shine my way through the fog

That obscures cold days like an eye’s cataract

If I’m unlucky enough to avoid a pure

Quick shock of death remaining instead

Confined and wet in a lonely bed

Swimming Hole

We were sitting outside on rocks near a pond

I had on only flesh colored panties; he wore nothing

Through the clear blue water we saw fish and life

Moss and algae on the rocks 

A group of men, women and children swam 

I was afraid the water was so shallow

They rode cedar boats with circle carvings

Like little yellow coffins 

He stepped into the water joining them 

Hoisting a young girl over the rock ledge

I remained reluctant to enter 

I stood there undecided and he was naked and free

Inmate

Stolen jailed with my hands cut off

From desires and irritations

Never paroled to previous discontent

Sense of taste and smell warped into disgust

A breath or kiss or salmon or steak repulse

So I resort to stealing

Locked away until my end

Punishing my future self

Believing in stoicism while cutting my wrists

Breaking Sticks

Breath on my lips 

Sight of presence gracing mind’s eye

Quivering with the scent of fear

Soon covered with thick honey calm

Instructed the fear is illusion

Reassured by eyes and mouth speaking 

Today this is still here

Forever is a false promise

Loathing the emptiness a picture of dread

Always much harsher than the reality

Disconnections

The wood on the ceiling reminds me

Of my grandparents’ house

Tall pine trees with snow outside every window

I wanted to remain precious but instead

Made myself into expendable decadence

Cynicism hangs like dusty cobwebs

Triggering asthma of the heart

Vacating the property to commit to the fantasy

Disassociating to my other self I am not alarmed

Anxious enough to keep it together crying in my car

Wet Clay

I’m falling apart

You tell me not to fall apart

Grab me round and throw me

Smack hard on the table cloth

Just don’t fall apart 

Knead me now and roll me

Until your hot hands 

Melt me back together again

Why are you falling apart?

The weather, the ground, my chemistry 

Is off; I don’t know 

Fix me easy right now

I beg you to do what my words

Can’t find right now

To describe all the reasonings

I need a tight squeeze 

Of a roll in the soft light

On the table right here

Any Coast Swallowing

It’s a day to try cleaning and so many boxes

Are finally burning in the fire pit 

I wanted to feel joyous and delivered

So many aluminum seltzer cans have littered

The concrete floor crushed and some not

Making me madder and madder 

Each can I stomp and throw into a bigger bag

To pack to the metal recycling plant 

This is not my shit!

This broken wasted debris was mine 

Only by name on a joint tax return

But again I’m bent over on my knees 

I can’t stop crying I’m so mad I’ve given up

I surrender and can’t try to pretend 

That I’m being selfish ungrateful and petty

There are obligations I have to keep me

From getting in the Veracruz and driving East 

Or North or maybe South until 

The road completely runs out

Where I get out and walk throat deep into 

Whatever coast will swallow me whole

Burst into Flames

If I could burst into flames

But I wouldn't want to burn anyone

I don't want to take up the space

Or have you feel sorry for me

Or me for myself

My life is good

One of the best 

Nothing is wrong with me 

Or with you

I would burst into flames if I could

and wake up in a place

That tastes just like cold water

Full Moon Dreaming

I haven’t felt this before a lifetime ago

I know it’s temporary so I try so hard to ignore

But still feel the deep sick of panic low in my guts

At the edge of the fjord; ice crystals beneath my boots

I will look to the clean blue water 

With fur under your throat, my gloved hand

In a dream after the moon

Washed this earth and my cheeks

I climbed the small hill back to the cozy inside

Of my cabin fire and sheets

Hiking

We hiked in the easy lake forest

To connect away and to hide from the heat 

My eyes caught a small dark shadow 

Cross the foliage before my feet

Oh! A toad I shrieked as I bent down 

Seven or eight again to catch it

Like I always do

My excitement met with silence 

Looking up you were gone. Gone!

On the pavement you walk so slow 

In the woods I can’t keep up 

With your oddly fast strides 

I remember all the times I asked you to stay

Maybe I should’ve asked you to come 

For now it’s a shadow of guilty sadness

When I lament the peaceful relief 

Of times when you were not near me

What kind of person feels like this

Like a hollow coconut shell 

All the meat pulled out 

In the sand in the sun with the water so close 

Unreachable like the day that maybe I died

Tree Bark

Your skin talks to me

With words too true for my mouth to form

Words old trees whisper with a buzz

Of electricity tickling my fingertips

When I caress the bark like a tender love

The auditory hallucinations I ignored

Shook my head but my breath has frozen

Struck with awe drowned in doubt and denial

For the timing so melancholy and hazy

As the memory of life before birth

I was drawn like a wild bird

Hunting sown seed in the snow

Forest Blanket

What is magic I seek

Hidden in the taste of water 

In your clean sweat on your chest

That drops big drops onto my face

As off the edges of leaves

Of the forest

A safe canopy

Where it’s dark and cool

Insulated from the harsh rays

Of the naked sun after

The long rain

Passing Meds

 I wish I knew what happened 

To my little kitty cat

Its the dying part

I see little glimpses through the tears

Is it hard caring for people when 

You know they are going to die?

But you all have been so good 

I just really loved her 

And so much has happened

I'm thankful for my husband

Is it supposed to storm tonight?

It's making noises like it's going to

He really loved her, too

Where did that water go?

I really have been thirsty this morning

He died, then I died

But you are still here with me

It doesn't feel like it

Seems so silly and selfish to feel like this

Not knowing what to call it

There's just not enough words 

My mouth can find

To knock me off this fence

We could poison the dog

He's so old and lost, too

Then the house would be cleaner

He is confused the bird cage is gone

He's wandering now in each corner

Trying to dig a hole in the faux wood

Ink Well

It’s middle of summer

Drove through a long day 

Of mother heart frustrations

Misunderstood and overwhelmed 

Listening to frogs by candlelight

The gods sent rain to mask my tears

Been lost all week

In a modern day inkwell

Never enoughs and wasted time

Worrying to send you a ding

I really only want to feel 

Your mouth on me

Cold Sweat

The taste of your sweat is cold like a waterfall

Each time I remember licking it

I feel too much pain deep in my chest

It pulls from my throat to the place the air settles

When I force myself to breathe 

It’s stuck there like the flavor of butter rum

Out of sight beyond my touch like a memory

I will never watch again as it fades there

A dirty shadow on a cold wall I can’t wash clean

When you tempt me with questioning

I hold my breath and begin to believe

The candy will soon grace my lips

I can’t read your mind and my low esteem

Puts me under the coal and I don’t trust you

Don’t trust me to keep the wall intact

Letting it crumble to the grass every time

I lay there like a war blown rubble of bricks

A heap of hot longing 

Waiting for the dreams to replace the thoughts

And the stars to mix me back together

So I can work and move like I’ve forgotten you

Hog-tied in Seeleyville

I’m ashamed to admit it 

Your beating heart might be the only real thing

Keeping me alive right now

I’m ashamed to say I’ve lost all

The meaning of life right at my fingertips

Beautiful joys got me buried in gratitude

What was I supposed to do

Just do what you can in 12 or 13 hours

It’s just life and always time to go anyway

What if it’s all being done 

Without thought or love on purpose 

All the magic I make-believe is gonna disappear

I couldn’t imagine you seeing me swinging 

Hanging works but is too eerily haunting 

So I’ll stay and put it away safe tonight

Why must I block my intimacy with a wall

Was my mouth always taped shut

With me just leaning into dark stolen places

I’m ashamed I trusted myself instead of wisdom

Lest I woke up naked, sick and wet 

Tangled in cord on the stripped mattress top

I’d die if it had happened to you

So I’ll sleep with the moon in the window

Your beating heart keeping me here another day

Spring Digging

If I could get lost in the dirt again

All the edgies would fall off my skin

I was determined when I was weak

Realized I just get one moment

I can’t force returning to soft 

Though I wish I’d melt like butter

Into the sheets and atmosphere

Soft just like the rabbit’s pelt 

I didn’t ask to be locked up like a roach 

Stuck in the hide of a shell 

I trusted your promise; I made it up

By being selfish and dishonest 

I saw a redbud blooming at the end of a drive

My heart puked from joy and dread

I was content. I was content. I wasn’t 

When I awakened grey and dead

Smithville

The canoe has a hole in it

Still we took it out so far

And travelled all the coves

No one is in the houses 

Only buzzards flying above us

Time is owned by the trees

I didn’t know what I was doing

Driven by an undercurrent of should’as 

And burdening financial fear

Come and bail me out

Roll me up and drop me over

Let me go where I am asleep

What’s a pirate’s treasure

Hidden in the ancient rocks

Of a seabed of petrification 

What’s it say for you to do

Give me back my money

Shut the door turning your eyes away

I say I love you. I love you

What’s that mean? What does it?

Getting shoved into the water wheel

PMS Running Post Covid-19

The waves of the tall grass

Really do look like water

When you stare through wet eyes

No matter how hard or how far I run

You won’t be there in the end

To catch me when all the clouds burst

If I could make it real again

I’d drown myself in the waves

Awakening in a whole new place

Back somewhere familiar

With memories that made less sound

Where I could taste you and smell my skin

Terre Haute

Take a look behind me now

see the patterns keep repeating

Round and round like a pinwheel

While there’s nothing wrong; it’s all benign

Seems the harsh hate of words I don’t mind

Realize I’m the one who ended all along

Where are we we’re not the same

Day through day with so much work and little pay

Is easy to imagine your moments away

Life is just life it’s life it’s like this

I’m the one who ended; cashed out

Drowned myself before my wedding vows

Water rolls over my fingertips but I can’t feel

Something between hot and cold

Like thick milk left on the counter

Hear wind chimes now all the time

I can’t not hear the wind chimes all the time

Like a train whistle left stuck in my mind 

Listening to “Like a Stone” and “Your Sex is on 🔥 “

“ ...to a place I recall 

        I was there so long ago...”*

I slept on sand on a beach with two suns 

Gentle ripples of waves rolling to shore

And ceased to make any sound evermore

“...You your sex is on fire...”**

My physical human senses were changed

Replaced by a perception of crispness 

Only felt like the edge of stones in a 

Desert where no human ventures alone

*addition of lyrics written by members of the musical bands *Audioslave (2002) & **Kings of Leon (2008)

One Covid-19 Patient, DW

I have decided I will only remember one name of all the patients that were under my care as a nurse on the COVID-19 unit from October 2020 through February 2021. I will write this down, now, with hope that I may lay this memory to rest from my voice. Miraculously, I was spared from doing CPR (only one patient during this time) and from having any of my patients die during my work rotation, that was not the norm for my peers. 

DW arrived overnight before one of my shifts. His biggest complaint was chronic back pain that was exacerbated by not being able to get up out of the bed and move about due to severe shortness of breath and significant decrease in oxygen saturation. At some point in the afternoon he called out for pain medication and I donned my gown, gloves, N95 respirator, and face shield and brought it into the room to give him. He looked at me and said, "Go and give me whatever it is you need to put me down. I can't do this anymore. Just put me down." I replied, "D, we don't kill people here." He genuinely chuckled a little and said, "I know." I smiled under my mask, then my eyes got wet as his lips closed and he looked in my eyes and held out his hand. It was at this moment that I felt completely defeated, guilty of being dishonest for having false hope that he would go back home to his family, doing a disservice to this patient who earlier had asked me when we let people give up and I told him we try not to have people give-up. 

I pulled up the stool and sat next to him holding his hand in my gloved hand as we both stared into somewhere else. He agreed to hang on as long as he could, and I agreed to hold hope for him each day he was here. As a nurse I try to fix things, heal people, solve problems, and these patients really impressed upon this girl that she was not charge of anything; this girl runs no boat show; something more powerful and mostly misunderstood does. I remind myself daily, that acceptance is not a bad thing, it just is the easier way. 

With the blessing of his family, we helped DW leave this time and space with comfort after nearly 20 days of "not giving up."

Sticky Bones

I woke up; you are in my bones

I’m thirsty with sand in my eyes

I feel you wrapped around my bones

Like cellophane under the muscles 

Woven tight while I was sleeping

The night before you lured me

Then promptly turned me off

My stomach rolled over itself 

Still I fell asleep easy; I’m taking a break

There is so much work to do

Rain on the window is mellow

I’ll make coffee and phone calls

To wash away your stickiness

It’s a secret; should it be

That word I thoroughly hate

I’m strong enough to forget

I knew what I was facing 

Hiked my skirts stepping into the boat 

Pandemic and my mind loses itself 

Angry, lonely, confused, and wiser

Defects rising from the bed

Not discarded, accessible and visible 

You’re a sphincter around my neck

Keep your Devil in your pocket

Run him over your brain’s train track

I’m lying all the time

I’m fine; I’m not angry, not hurt

Not crying over nothing real

Look away, walk away, mind my own business

Not feel you in my bones; I’m human, woman

My Horse and the Light

The birds are driven into your flesh

I’m holding on with my arms so tightly 

Don’t think I’ll make it very long

Your head is above the shoulders 

Just like every single other man’s is

In my dreams now I’m hanging bags

Filled with water from steel poles

After it took so many lifetimes

To get to the edge of the place where 

The treasure is where the world spins 

I’m making up a fantasy 

Disappearing under the covers 

So I can see the lights clearer

Where all the rooms are basements

Dug deep into the dirt under the roots

The black horse is lost under the ice

I heard the cracking and sucking under

Running as fast as I could over the map

On the water where it’s frightening 

But also safe in a boat driven by time

No fretting says the lights for its

A piece of star from whence you were

Moments so meaningful like a lit match

Never burn your finger if you’re scared

Shaking it out before even the air

I’m with you with the birds in the snow

Feel the heat like the aura off metal 

The water turns the shells into a rock

Bruised shinbones are little tree sticks

Squinting my eyes to see all the truth 

Your head is above your shoulders 

Two feet below two knees you stand

Above the world like a solid grand tree

A place where the lights gather and my voice

Sings out words like it belongs to 

In the Unit

 No one cries in the unit anymore

That is how it is going 

I forgot the name of my favorite patient 

Who died on Friday 

20 days after he asked me

To please put him down 

At least I’m not in the unit

I still cry when the sky is just right

January is the season for tears

Maybe if it were a little colder

The rain would stop and stars 

Will make night for dreams

Some turn to bourbon and food 

Wish I cried for noble reasons

I’ll never know again the places I was before

Today a dog sits at my feet

My son plays his trumpet and hums

I just want to feel some pain 

Sideways Direction

I feel so much different

Than I'd hoped I would

Though I didn't have a plan

Selfish act committed

How many  days

Will I feel sick?

How many hours

Of minutes of time does it last?

Folly suffering

An old familiar memory

A rock thrown at my head 

Misdirected retaliation 

In the grass throwing blows

At my friend's face

So much tension bound up

Taunted by the jeers of the others

These acts endured repeatedly

Not just to the naïve teen

Ignoring the warnings and

Believing magic is real

What fool matures

Yet repeats the pain?

It should feel different

That my heart was a stone 

Not a smatter of butter

Vulnerable to heat