Mom told me Grandma died
I was 8
I went downstairs
Danced around the pole
In the unfinished basement
The pole was always cold
It always felt different than me
Leaning my cheek against it
Many times, for solace
During hours in my make-believe world
I ran around that pole
Many times, until I cried
I don't know if I was sad
Or just crying because
I thought it the best thing to do
I went to my room
Laid on my back
When Jennifer died.
Mom was sitting on the floor
Reading about it in the paper.
When my other grandma died,
I don't remember crying.
I was older, numb to her,
Since her stroke
The natural course of things.
Stage in my life
Only vaguely aware
What my feelings were,
What their names were
That they were mine.
Guilt not seeing her
More than one time
Over 10 years ago.
Unfulfilled imposed obligation
Or sadness.
Once in a bookstore
In a mall
She bought me Snoopy the Flying Ace
I told her
Mom called her senile.
I didn't know
What that word meant,
Doomed, I shouldn't have mentioned
it.
My own young children
With mouths and minds.
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