I hesitate to write this, as a part of me wants to make a good impression. I'm on the mission to be positive, uplifting, inspiring, motivating, fun, happy. The truth is that that is a great mission, but the truth is what matters in life. The truth is what is inspiring, motivating, life-changing, and what we really want deep down inside our human souls. At least that is how my belief system works.
Yesterday, it was Father's Day. A friend of mine recently lost a friend to suicide and the service was yesterday. We've been losing lots of lives to suicide. We've been losing famous people, people we know, people we love. I was searching for a photo of my dad and I together to make a post on social media to shout out for Father's Day. I am very lucky my dad is still around to answer my texts or my calls; I plan to see him next week.
While searching, I came across the photo below. The photo struck me, as the stories of recent suicides are fresh in my mind. That girl looks happy, right; she's wearing a big smile and holding a cute, happy, fat baby. She is at a company picnic with an unbelievable company that took her and her spouse to a vacation of a lifetime to Atlanta 2 times!
The photo is me 13 years ago, holding my infant son. I desperately wanted to be and appear happy. I was working so hard at being happy. But the truth is, this is about 8 months before I relapsed into darkness because I felt so guilty about being so depressed while having so much for which to be grateful. Just a few pages and the summer before, you could feel the joy pouring out of me! In this photo, I see the struggle of forcing myself to BE HAPPY. I mean, it is a choice right? Maybe I just had a weak and sub-par attitude. Where was my ability to muster an attitude of gratitude? Why couldn't I just start my day over with prayer? I was trying so hard, and I just felt worse. Thank God for tears and a car with windows where I could scream without anyone hearing me. Thank God for that baby, that I could collect after work and nurse for hours to soothe the ache.
Finally, I found a job at a bar, and drank again, because I was afraid of the visions of suicide that would fly past my eyes when I was driving on that long drive to the job where I couldn't sell anymore and couldn't bring home a paycheck. I felt horrid and selfish for failing at being joyful, because my kids were young, innocent, and well behaved; my home was safe and warm. I had a husband who picked up the kids each night, got the baby's bottle ready, fixed dinner, and gave the kids baths before I got home. I had friends who truly loved me, and for some reason I did not want to let them know what was going on in my head, because on the outside it all looked good, so maybe the inside was not real.
When I look at this picture, I realize how important it is to be honest with myself, with others, with life. I'm not afraid of suicide, or drinking, or being depressed today. I don't own a usable gun. I don't have alcohol in my house. There are people I keep at a distance, and I know what work is not for me. I journal and meditate and ask myself what is really going on. I have a boundary list of my limits. But I don't know how to help anyone else. I wish I knew what to look for, what to say. I only can tell the truth of my simple story. Today I am grateful that my kids still have a mother. No one wants to leave their people behind. This picture gives me gratitude, but also makes my heart ache. No one gets the past back, but Today is here. Today I am alive. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255.
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